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If actors’ résumés were written like business résumés...

...They might look something like this:

Cecilia Thespianopoulus

SAG-AFTRA/AEA/AGVA (Inapplicable union affiliations)

5’7” 128 lbs. Hair: Dark Brown Eyes: Hazel

(By law, gender, race, and physical attributes cannot be taken into account when hiring.)

Current Objective: Pay rent, car payments, trips to visit family in Iowa who still hope I’ll move back there.

Overall Objective: To never have to move back there.

Employment history -- past six months. For previous 20 years, see waitressing/political canvassing/pet grooming/security guard/CPA/grocery bagging/telemarketing résumés.

Dates of Employment: January 12-15, 2019 Position: Movie of the Week Mother

Job Requirements: Seem bitter towards daughter, but turn out t o have just been worried that son-in-law was plotting daughter’s death. Show up with police to interrupt son-in-law’s homicide attempt and save daughter. Return to caring, pleasant demeanor.

Key responsibilities: Pushing Act II plot twist.

Dates of Employment: December 20, 2018 Position: Funny neighbor in commercial

Job Requirements: Clad in parka, hat and mittens, show bemusement when neighbor backs out of driveway with ice skates on top of car. Cross street to hand him a hot cup of coffee, upon which he realizes his foible. Seem non-judgmental and amused.

Key responsibilities: Comic relief, product reveal.

Dates of Employment: August 1-6, 2018 Position: Determined lawyer

Job Requirements: Believe in client’s innocence and present compelling arguments in court while grappling with sexist judge’s snarky comments.

Key responsibilities: Provide character dynamics that showcase series regular’s acting chops, be the sad face of the episode.

Career highlights: Stumped Betty White on To Tell The Truth, Got a standing O three nights in a row in North Hollywood theatre production, Made Haley Joel Osment laugh on set.

Special abilities: Karate Yellow Belt. Accents & dialects: all of them. Believable kissing, slapping, punching, stabbing. Impressions: Cher, Awkwafina, Reese Witherspoon, Simon Cowell. Baton twirling, cake decorating. References upon request.

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